Koushaku Ch 254 – Smiles
…… How long has it been?
I don’t know anymore.
I feel like I saw Dean come back to me several times in dreams.
But… my memories of him become blurry the more I cry.
The memories with him are trying to disappear; he’s trying to leave me for good.
When we went to the orphanage together, what happened when we worked together, how he helped me in the fight against the Darryl Church, and the tour in the east …
My head is full of him. What memories do I share with him?
Remember them. Try to never forget them.
It seems to be short and long time memories…
In any case, we spent a lot of time together.
If I try to remember, they are all kind of loving memories.
“My lady, you should just push forward as usual. I will protect you from anyone who wants to hurt you. So young lady. …… Please leave your body to me. ”
Suddenly, I remembered his words when we were together in the eastern city.
“… Liar. I hate you.”
And unintentionally, I reluctantly refrain from ending my words.
My mouth will criticize him?
“… Lies. I love you.”
The word “love” sounds like crying.
That resonated heavily in my chest.
The world continues going forward, time doesn’t stop, life and seasons continue even though I’m so painful. As if nothing happened.
Leave him behind. They say.
Oh, we’re merely tiny people in this world.
So what does our lives mean?
Thought I thought my sentiments were dead, tears overflowed again.
…… Stand up and go out to the balcony.
A place where I used to talk to him a lot.
Thoughts about family, the future of the territory, and the past.
Because it’s was in the office that all happened, the view I get to see from the room’s balcony is a little different… Still, I’m nostalgic now.
I put a hand on my forehead to block the sun while narrowing my eyes.
I look terrible because I keep crying.
“… Wow!”
Suddenly, I felt that the voice of a young child was heard in my ear.
I confess that my ears can be wrong too, but I feel like I can hear it. I looked towards the garden spreading downstairs.
I found Mina and the orphanage’s children below.
they look really small from this height, but somehow… I can be convinced that it’s them.
Why are they here …?
It is a pure question that springs up in my head.
“No way, were they worried about me …?”
No one answered my whisper.
However, I immediately found the answer.
“Lady Iris! Get well soon!”
Because… such a cry was heard from those children.
Although the voices stopped immediately, Mina got angry at them for yelling at a noble.
…… I smile unintentionally at Mina who is angry with her hands on her hips.
“I can laugh …”
I am surprised at myself.
It’s painful, my heart hurts.
I mourned and hated everything.
Still, I certainly laughed now.
I feel like a warm feeling spreads on my chest.
“You are the territory’s head. And I’m the country’s gear. But it doesn’t mean that our paths will never overlap. Even if our paths are divided, we continue to look in the same direction. Looking in the same direction, we can go anywhere. We can do anything”
I suddenly remembered my old words.
At the same time, I ask myself.
Have I lost everything? ……truly?
Is there no meaning to my life anymore? ……truly?
Thinking so far, I’ve denied the nature of everything.
And at that moment, I felt like the shell that had been used to isolate me from the world was broken.
I don’t care about the significance of my existence.
However, the result of my elections… can be seen in front of me.
Caring for, protecting, and building the future for them. My people.
I will deny all those who have followed me and who have been working towards that future with me, and the existence of the children here present.
The mourning pain is certainly big.
There is no change in my heartache.
But I didn’t lose everything.
I have my way and there are many people’s lives that depend on this territory progress.
And… there is also everyone who walks with me and supports me together, above all.
“… Iris, I’m sorry.”
When I returned inside from the balcony, my mother just entered the room.
“Oh, oh … you’re all right now.”
My mother looked at me and laughed.
“Yes. I ’m sorry for worrying you.”
“Looks good …. did you love him so much that you were so upset for his death?”
When my mother pointed it out, the blood on my face fade for a moment … but I recovered quickly.
“Yes, that’s right … Mother, I’m an idiot.”
“Oh, what do you mean?”
“After mourning, only now… I understand how important he was…”
My feelings… I didn’t know were so deep, until he passed away.
What was in me was love, bordering with obsession.
Mother listens to my words with a serious expression.
“I was separated from him once, but still never lost my feelings for him. Even if he was on a different path from me, it would be fine if he existed.”
“… isn’t it love?”
I looked at my mother wondering what she wanted to say.
“Even if the other party does not follow the same path as you… You can believe in the love you shared and continue forward.”
I smile at my mother’s words.
“Yes, I love him.”
…… It’s sad that I couldn’t tell him my feelings.
Surely, I will continue to regret it.
“But … I have other things that I love.”
this time, my mother instead looked at me with wonder.
“… what is it?”
“I know this territory and the people who live here. I know the pain of mourning, but I just soaked in that grief and thought I could never recover. Surely, if while soaked in my grief I end losing even this, I’ll regret it forever. ”
I can never compare both loves… Both are indispensable for me.
If both are lost, it is the same as lacking the world for me.
“Most of all, I will not forgive him for leaving you alone. I want him to look at you from above and be ashamed of the excellent lady he lost.”
“… Nice”
I smiled at my mother’s words.
“My Iris is very nice… My Iris is a lovely lady. If you still feel like crying and become a mess again, I’m here to look out for you.”
Surely, that’s my mother.
So much power has been released from mother at those words, that it makes me tremble from emotion.
“I was melancholic. But I know now the important things. The things I care about and need to protect.”
“……Thank you mother…”
“… I’m sure you will suffer from sadness again and again. But don’t forget. Sometimes it’s important to grieve, but don’t be trapped in it … You’re alive. ”
Mother gently clasped my hand.
“I told you once that I lost my mother because of a robbery, right?”
In response to that question, I shook my head vertically.
There is no reason to forget. The past my mother once told me about.
The story that gave me the strength to move forward.
“I was then trapped in the grief of losing my mother… I couldn’t see the future. I just lived training to attain my revenge, just to kill the robber who killed my mother… I thought about everything I lost and overlooked the important things that were there, and as a result, my important people ended worrying a lot about me… -You are alive now- my brother said, while I always replied -No! Until I get revenge on her-“
“It’s not just me … It wasn’t just me who was sad and suffering. I thought that I was the saddest person in the world. And that was wrong. ”
“……mother”
“I can’t get back what I lost. That’s why it’s natural to grieve. But don’t be trapped in it and look at what you’ve not yet lost. Don’t just look at the past. If you lose an important person again … I’m sure you will regret it again, because you know the pain of losing, because you know how hard it was. Someday, if you lose an important person again, because you’re but merely a human, there is nothing you can do about it, the time you can be together with them is limited, but that’s why people treasures those moments with them. You should take care of them and not regret it later, and as your mother I want to say… Because you are an important person to me, keep being shameless asking for love and being who you are.”
I refute my mother’s words as I engrave them deeply in my heart.
“… Thanks you, mom”
The moment I said so, my mother hugged me.
“You did your best, Iris. Great, really… You remembered what’s important for you yourself.”
“…!”
To the warmth of those words.
I shed tears again.