t
After I sent out the orders, I remembered the pair of underwear Shu Zhe was wearing fell into the hands of Le Jia (that’s what I will tentatively call him). There was no way I could deliver the goods to Uncle Fireball on time, so I had to notify him.
I turned on the computer and coincidentally, he was also online. I sent him a crying emoji:
“Dear customer, I’m very sorry. Miss model got the white underwear dirty during a party. Since washing the underwear defeats the whole purpose, I could tell her to wear a new pair for three days and send it out as soon as possible.”
“If you feel you have suffered any damages, we can also offer a full refund…”
Uncle Fireball sent an okay emoji, which I assumed meant don’t worry about it.
“Hm, it’s hard to find many honest sellers like you these days.”
“You guys don’t try to make excuses or push the blame onto someone else.”
Please stop, I already feel ashamed. I’m actually not honest at all since the underwear I’m selling is not worn by a ‘miss’ but by a ‘mister’.
Uncle Fireball pushed his imagination to the limits when he heard miss model got her underwear dirty in a party:
“Maybe she wasn’t able to make it to the washroom in time because she drank too much? If that’s the case, you don’t need to change it for a new pair, send it over as is, I don’t mind.”
No, based on your words, it’s not you ‘don’t mind’ but rather you ‘like it’. I can’t believe you would even be interested in urine-soaked underwear.
“Who cares if it’s soaked with urine. A lot of mammals choose their partners through the scent of urine. Urine contains a lot of precious pheromones!”
Uncle Fireball stated his ideas with conviction.
“Female urine is a common item sold in Japanese perverted goods stores. There also blood-stained tampons, imouto juice… “
Stop, I’m going to barf. If you like Japan, you should just move there. I’ll introduce you to Director Cao so you guys can go together.
After I was able to handle the delayed product, I was at a loss of whether I should order the ¥13 eggplant with rice or the ¥15 twice-cooked pork and rice. I was no less depressed than an emperor deciding on which concubine he should copulate with for the night.
All of a sudden, I received a one line text from Ai Mi:
“Do you want my underwear?”
Shit, so she still found out! When did I reveal it? (Or was it that obvious?) What should I do, what should I do…? If I answer ‘yes’, will she give her underwear to me?
No, I can’t admit it. I can’t let my little sister look down on me. Even if I want to exchange her underwear for money, I have to steal it, otherwise, I wouldn’t feel any sense of accomplishment.
Huh, why does my train of thought seem similar to that of the panty thief? I don’t want to have the same thoughts as a pervert! I’m not a pervert, I just don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my sister!
So I replied: “Are you joking? Who wants something that dirty.”
I couldn’t help but think: “Ai Mi always takes 40 minutes to shower, so her body should be even cleaner than Shu Zhe’s, that means her underwear…”
Ai Mi didn’t reply immediately. After a while, when I thought she already forgot about me, she sent me a (→_→) emoji.
Is that supposed to mean doubt? Do you not trust your own brother?!
Even though people always say to ask older people for advice when you run into trouble, I only call my dad to ask if he ate or not. I would never ask him how to get my hands on Ai Mi’s underwear.
In addition, my dad must have complex feelings towards Ai Mi since she is my little sister but has a different father. He can’t even bring himself to hate Ai ShuQiao, so I doubt he would hate his daughter. But I can’t let them meet before our sibling relationship is revealed.
The weather was too hot and it affected my brain, I actually forgot Auntie Ren took over my dad’s hotel room and I still called the same number.
Auntie Ren picked up the phone in a fit of anger: “Who is it?”
I was shocked to the point I almost fell off my chair, then I spoke hesitantly: “Uhhhh….”
Auntie Ren wasn’t able to recognize it was me and she said angrily: “There are no males living in this room so stop asking if we need escorts. We don’t need any female or male escorts!”
Then she slammed the phone down.
It’s worrying that Auntie Ren mistook me as a prostitute.
And the sex workers are too unprofessional. I mean, they are already under quarantine so you wouldn’t be able to get in even if they called you.
This time, I called the right number. My dad was eating a meal provided by the hotel and apparently they added the root of the Isatis tinctoria to strengthen your immune system.
My dad told me he was living pretty well these past couple of days. Even though the fatty snores a lot, he found out they had the same hobby and could chat when they were bored.
I asked what hobby they had in common.
Apparently the fatty was a moderator in a certain erotic forum. He once posted one of my dad’s AV reviews and complimented him.
“I never expected there was such a talented professor.” The fatty said.
The compliment is completely wrong. When is writing AV reviews a criterion to become a university professor?
The fatty gave my dad an internal account to the forums and my dad shed tears of gratitude. In order to express his thanks, he told the fatty about the existence of the HHH enthusiasts club. The fatty expressed regret for not having met earlier, then said he would work hard to get into the club so he can become a member with my dad.
Damn, they a got another new member! Are they working as a MLM or something?
That night, my dad and the fatty got together to discuss female AV actresses over alcohol. They never expected out of the two AV films they downloaded, one was a cartoon, and the other one was a bunch of men doing gay wrestling. The fatty’s wife came into the room to retrieve something and caught them right when they were stunned.
“I can’t believe I didn’t know about your tastes even after we’ve been married for so many years…”
The broken-hearted wife complained to Auntie Ren.
I heard later on that in order to resolve the misunderstanding, my dad went to apologize in the fatty’s stead and was finally able to make them bury the hatchet and sleep in the same room together again.
But then my dad didn’t have a place to stay.
He paced back and forth in the hallway until midnight. Auntie Ren finally opened the door because she was annoyed by the sounds of his footsteps.
“Stop acting pathetic, are you here to remind me you were the one who rented this room?”
“No… if you think I’m noisy, I’ll go somewhere else…”
“Why are you going somewhere else? Are you trying to make everyone know I took your room?”
“No, I don’t have the guts….”
“That’s what I thought. I’ll let you stay here for the night, but let me make something clear, if you make any moves….”
“You’re a MMA champion, how could I do anything to you?”
According to my dad, they each slept on their bed that night and nothing happened.
I hope that’s the case.
It would be terrible for me if something happened.
It was cloudy and foggy on Monday morning. I almost fell into a gutter when I ran to Dong Shan lake. Shit, they should at least put up a warning sign when they removed the grate cover for repairs!
When I took a closer look, even though there was a red sign, I couldn’t see anything through the fog. Hurry up and change it into a flashing sign, otherwise, if I fall down, there will be no one there to manage my gigantic harem!
I originally thought gramps wouldn’t come in this weather, but when I arrived at the usual spot, I saw him sitting on the bench and waiting for me.
I pulled out the egg and handed it to gramps with devotion.
Gramps inspected the egg and put it into his lap with satisfaction when he didn’t find any cracks.
I was puzzled and asked: “Gramps, even though I carried the egg on me, why didn’t it help with my martial arts skills?”
“It didn’t?” Gramps feigned a shocked look, “Uh… I was able to prove through experimentation that what they write in martial arts novels have no basis.”
So you were trying to make fun of me?
Seeing my dissatisfaction, he said: “Xiao Ye Zi, did you think I only told you to carry the egg because I wanted to prove martial arts novels were all nonsense?”
“Then why did you make me carry it?”
“Um… while it was indeed one of the reasons, the other reason was because my back hurts, so I couldn’t let you be comfortable too….”
You… you’re awful! No wonder you’re the one who survived the longest out of all your martial art companions. No wonder they say ‘Whom the gods love die young’!