Chapter 182: Chapter 182
‘You fool, you idiot!’
She blamed herself. In the past, she blamed her family so much for considering her ugly when she was doing the same.
It turned out she was the one who had been thinking of herself as ugly more than anyone else.
-Yes, mother. I am ugly, so at least let me wear pretty dresses.
She didn’t want to be criticized by the others, and the best defense was a good offense. When she said that first, no one would easily say she was ugly. She was blaming the others for considering her ugly while she was ignoring herself so much, and that wasn’t right.
Gabriel looked at herself in the mirror, frowning hard. Then, she got up from the chair and lay down on her bed. Now that she was looking straight at herself in the mirror instead of looking for the others in it, it was even harder to look at her reflection.
‘Now I can see why the duchess demanded such terms.’
Gabriel thought the duchess was putting her up to a really embarrassing thing, but it turned out there had been a deep reason behind it.
For all these years, she had been laughing at the others’ foolish behaviors as if she had been the smartest person in the world, but she was the real fool. At least she didn’t cry, and that let her pride survive.
However, the next day, when she said ‘I am beautiful’ for the fifth time looking at herself in the mirror, she eventually burst in tears.
“I am beauty… ful.”
She found a handkerchief on her dressing table and blew her nose. Her nose turned red, making her look funny. Usually, she would have left the mirror and tried to make her nose normal again, either by washing her face or putting a cold towel on it.
But today, Gabriel didn’t do any of that. Instead, she puffed her chest and looked at herself in the mirror. Maybe it was her imagination, but her eyes seemed to be shining with confidence.
“Yes, I’m not that bad. No, that won’t do. It has to be what the duchess said. Gabriel, you are beautiful.”
After wrestling with herself in front of the mirror, she had gotten to quite like her image in the mirror.
“Yes, I’m short and a little plump, but what’s wrong with that? It makes me cute.”
Her mother and the designers who often came to meet her always said she had to lose weight to look more like her sisters, but now she realized losing weight would make her lose that cuteness she had.
“And I have thick eyelashes. It’s a sign of beauty.”
Then, she stuck her tongue out. It turned out words really had powers. Before, she had always been busy trying to find flaws within herself in the mirror. But now, she was looking for her beauty. She was seeing what she had not been able to see before, and it was marvelous. Even what she used to think as flaws now looked like beauty, seeing them from a different perspective.
“Yes, I am beautiful.”
She was no longer forcing herself to say that to keep the promise she made to Rubica. She really meant it. From now on, regardless of what the others thought of her, she was going to think of herself as beautiful and love herself.
“So, I must stop criticizing myself.”
The duchess said she would be able to know immediately if she kept the promise when they meet again. Gabriel had wondered how she was so sure of it, but now she could see why.
Although the looks she saw in the mirror hadn’t changed at all, now she was a completely different person.
Moreover, her mother was the first to notice her change.
“Gabriel, do you have any worries lately?”
“No.”
Gabriel replied simply as she wrapped the gifts for the guests who would come to her mother’s tea meeting. However, that made the countess worry even more.
According to Gabriel’s nurse, she had been staying alone in her room with the door locked every night, and she was heard talking to herself. It worried them both.
She was so worried about her daughter that she even abandoned her high pride and wrote to the duchess to ask about it, but she only replied by saying they just had an honest and pleasant talk.
“Gabriel, I think it would be better to make you a new dress for this tea meeting. As I am the host, my daughter should shine the most in it.”
In the end, the countess decided to bear some financial losses and threw bait to Gabriel. Nothing excited the girl more than a new dress. It would surely make her feel better and she would try to make the most of it saying, ‘I won’t be seen if I stay still, so I will need a dress with tons of jewels shining.’
“A new dress? No, I don’t need it.”
But to her mother’s surprise, Gabriel wasn’t excited at all at the offer. The countess then yelled in shock, “What are you talking about? You don’t need a new dress?”
Actually, Gabriel had enough dresses to fill a whole room. However, she was always saying, ‘What’s good with having so many dresses when none of them are good enough to be worn?’ And she didn’t want a new dress? The countess feared there might be something wrong with her brain.
“You don’t need a new dress? That’s impossible… this is serious, Gabriel. I must have you examined by the doctor immediately.”
She made a fuss and it made Gabriel narrow her eyes. In the end, she decided to tell her mother a tiny bit of what happened with the duchess.
“Actually, I am going to meet Madam Khanna when I meet the duchess tomorrow. I think she will recommend dresses, hairstyles, and makeup for me.”
“Madam Khanna said she would do that for you?”
Rubica hadn’t told Gabriel exactly who had transformed Elise. She just promised to let her meet the person. However, Gabriel knew well that by saying so much, this would end up with her mother coming with her tomorrow.
“I think she will, probably.”
“Can’t I go with you then?”
Just as she had expected. Gabriel thought her mother was probably the easiest person to understand in the household.
“But if I showed up there with you without asking permission for it in advance, both the duchess and Madam Khanna would be so surprised.”
The countess bit her fingernails and yelled, “Then you should have told me about it sooner! Oh, have you been saying nothing after you came back from Claymore Mansion to hide this from me?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“I know you want to be prettier, but you know you can’t polish a turd!”
She was half joking. She thought Gabriel would smile like the usual and say, ‘But I must at least try to not be the unusual one in this family.’ However, she didn’t. She coldly looked at her mother, put down the wrapping paper which she was holding, and stood up.
“Is getting prettier so important to you? Important enough to call your own daughter a turd?”
“Gabriel.”
Too late, the duchess realized she made a mistake. Gabriel was careless and often made mistakes, but she was the cute youngest daughter who always said funny and pleasant things by her mother’s side. That was why the countess had forgotten she had a line that must not be crossed even when talking to her.
Until now, Gabriel had been so eager to be loved by her, no matter what she said. But now, she looked so cold, only then the countess realized her little girl was about to detach herself from her.
“Oh, child.”
Just before Gabriel could leave the room, the countess grabbed her arm. Thankfully, Gabriel didn’t shake her hand off. The countess smiled awkwardly.
“I’m sorry. You know I love you a lot, right?”
Gabriel’s heart ached as much as her mother’s did. She was happy that her mother was apologizing first. She wished she could embrace the countess and tell her she knew how much she also loved her.
However, she knew that would only make her live by her mother’s side as a part of her forever. As Titania had sometimes told her, ‘We are supposed to rebel without any reason when we’re in puberty, Gabriel. You are just way too nice.’ Yes, it was time for her to rebel.
“I know, mama. But… I need your approval, not your love.”
Gabriel whispered she was sorry, then she left. The countess stared at her back as she walked away. As Gabriel was her youngest daughter, she had always been worried about her. Gabriel had always looked like a five-year-old girl in her eyes. But now, she realized she was a girl who was about to be introduced to society.
“Have I wronged her a lot?”
Her lady-in-waiting, who had been with her since her maidhood, thought about it, then she said, “Not a lot, but yes.” The countess ruffled and messed with her hair that had been done with great care. She raised four children and did her best with each of them, but she still felt like an amateur when it came to child raising. Why were they all different from each other? Her second child hated what her first child loved. One of them complained she trusted her too much and didn’t love her, and another child -Gabriel- wanted her approval more than her love.
“I wanted to be the perfect mother, at least to Gabriel. I thought I could as she was my fourth child.”
“There’s no such thing as the perfect mother. No one is perfect. Miss Gabriel is just growing up. It’s time for her to learn that it isn’t always good to endure what the people she loves say to her.”
The countess sighed deeply. Maybe she was getting hurt by her children in a new way every time because she was always in the wrong.
“Please tell the kitchen to prepare some sandwich for Gabriel to eat in the carriage on her way to Claymore Mansion.”
For now, she decided to do what she could as Gabriel’s mother, instead of continuing to blame herself.