Chapter 53: Myself, Others, and My Friend (3)
Translator: ShawnSuh | Editor: SootyOwl
“Do you want to go get some ice cream?” Juho asked.
Though Bom had nodded on impulse. Internally, she felt relieved. There were a lot of people on the street, and it was quite busy. His calm answer had also given her the impression that he hadn’t caught onto her annoyance.
Juho went into a convenience store to buy ice creams and said, “I wanted to make it up to you for annoying you earlier.”
He had heard her. Without a word, she dropped her head. She had shown her bad side again. ‘I can’t keep doing this,’ she thought. She started to feel nauseous again. Despite his peaceful look, it was a lot harder for her to keep calm around him for some reason.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m feeling a little dizzy. Maybe there are too many people around.”
“Then, we should go somewhere quieter.”
“OK.”
There had been nothing but lies whenever she opened her mouth, so she clogged her mouth with her ice cream. Its sweetness spread through her tongue.
By the time they finished their ice cream, they reached a playground, and Juho pointed toward it.
“Should we take a five?” he said.
“Sure. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a playground.”
They each sat on a swing. Compared to Bom, who was barely moving, Juho was swinging himself back and forth. Her head turned left and right as it tracked him. Whenever he swung past her, a wind blew by.
“You’re good,” she complimented him. Again, it was out of habit.
“You can be too, if you move your feet a little more.”
She only smiled.
“You want to, huh?” he asked.
“No, I’m fine.”
A wind blew. It felt warmer this time. It had felt like spring not too long ago, but “spring” really was weak. (TL’s note: again, “Bom” means spring.)
Bom looked at Juho. Frankly, she had been curious as to why he had wanted her to come along. If he had wanted to go shopping for clothes, it would’ve been better to bring Seo Kwang or Baron along. There had to be a reason for bringing her of all people. There had to be a reason as to why he even brought up Sun Hwa.
He gradually slowed down until he eventually stopped swinging.
As soon as he opened his mouth, Bom felt something. That air, it almost felt like something was coming to an end, like a season.
“You have a competition that you want to be part of, right?” he said calmly. “You wanted to transcribe a different book too.”
With his relaxed voice, he was bringing spring to an end.
“You could’ve done a lot better in the school essay contest, and I know you don’t want to be the one who cleans up other people’s trash,” he added as he looked at Bom wearing a stiff expression.
“And I know how ridiculous this hat looks.”
‘He’s sharp,’ she thought. Because she cared so much about what other people thought of her, she was able to catch on quickly. He had already figured her out and he must have figured out the awkward distance between her and Sun Hwa.
For that reason, she decided to confess. “I’m used to it,” she said with a rather calm voice.
“What are you used to?”
“Not doing what I want.”
She was used to being self-conscious and picking up trash that others had left.
“I don’t really have a reason. It’s just… I saw the adults, and I saw how this world operated. Eventually, I came to think that others were more important than myself. I’m weak, so I wouldn’t be able to survive if I were to be left alone. So naturally, I’ve been relying on others around me.”
She smiled as if she were mocking herself, then she added, “Have you read a book called ‘The Trace of a Bird?'”
He nodded slowly.
“The protagonist is afraid of the birds, so he hides himself in the dark, into the night. He gives up being in the sun and opens his eyes at night when there are no birds around.”
Her expression grew darker. She seemed like she was reminiscing about something.
“I felt terrified. It’s a scary book. It reminded me of how cruel a choice can be. I have neither the courage to live through the night nor the will to overcome my fears. I don’t have what it takes.”
To make a choice also meant giving something up. By choosing to rely on others, she had given up on her own preferences.
Then, he thought about what she had given up by choosing to run away. He thought of the purple flower he had seen at the school some time before – Bom and Sun Hwa.
“You chose to be a stranger to Sun Hwa.”
“… I wasn’t intending to.”
They were not friends. They had been using each other like tools. It was easy to treat someone as if they were not a person. All Bom had to do to overcome that was think about herself again. Although a person might have a chance of making friends with animals, she couldn’t do that with tools. After all, a tool’s only purpose was to be used. If it lost its use, it had to be thrown out.
Most likely, they were both unaware of the meaning behind the choices they had made.
“But look at how things turned out in the end. Running away is a choice, which means choosing to rely on others is also a choice. In the end, you’re responsible for the choices you make.”
Now, Juho was there to help her. If she didn’t have the courage or will to survive, all she had to do was borrow it from someone, like an inspiration. After all, people weren’t made to live in solitude.
Bom said with a depressed look, “Why must I do that? I just want to be left alone.”
“Because it’s your life. No one can live your life for you, not even Mr. Moon.”
Bom bit her lips. Then, she answered with a suppressed voice, “I’m afraid of prioritizing myself over others, but at the same time, I only care about myself.”
There was an opening. A warm wind blew past them, and Juho opened his mouth.
“Every story has an end, just like ‘The Trace of a Bird.'”
The ending of ‘The Trace of a Bird’ had room for interpretation. Depending on the reader, it could have been an ending that was either sad or happy. Bom had asked why she had to make a choice.
“Sun Hwa’s transferring.”
Bom’s mouth dropped open, and for a while, no sound came out of it.
‘When? Are you serious? She said that? Why? Where? Is she going far? She’s leaving me behind?’ These were probably her thoughts.
“Actually, I lied,” he said without taking his eyes off of Bom’s expression.
“What?”
“It’s a lie. Sun Hwa’s not transferring,” he said calmly.
“Why?” she asked. “Why did you lie to me like that?”
“What did you think just now?” he answered her with another question.
Her eyes were shaken, and there were lingering thoughts in her head. Judging from her behavior so far, he was able to speculate a possible answer, ‘Do I have to find another person? Do I have to find a replacement for Sun Hwa? Do I have to find another person to depend on who will make decisions for me and help me when I’m in a rut?’
Her pale expression made it obvious to him.
“How much longer are you planning on being swayed by others?”
He had said the same thing to Sun Hwa.
“Are you going to repeat that?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.”
She seemed exhausted, and he added, “You still have to choose if you don’t want to be stripped naked.”
“… What would you do?”
He looked up to the sky for a moment. It was still clear and it would be a while until that day came to an end. Just like he had done with Sun Hwa, he said to her, “Ask yourself.”
She dropped her head, but he added as if he were comforting her, “If you want to be left alone as you are at the moment, that’s fine. That’s your choice too. I’m not going to tell you anything. I won’t dislike you either. You’ll probably stay a stranger to Sun Hwa, but hey, I can be your friend. You’d be catching two birds with one stone! Someone to depend on, and a friend. Doesn’t that sound good?”
Instead of an answer, she bit down on her lip. For some reason, she couldn’t give him an answer. Juho had made a tempting offer. One where she wouldn’t have to change a thing about herself. At the same time, she would get to be friends with him. There would be nothing more.
Yet, her eyes met with his red hat. It was tacky. It looked ridiculous enough to make her laugh. ‘How did he manage to find a hat like that?’
“No.”
She disliked herself being swayed by what Juho had been saying. She disliked herself for choosing to be a stranger to Sun Hwa. She disliked herself for depending on others just to get by. She wanted to leave it all behind.
“Why?” Juho asked.
She answered, “Because I still want to be friends with Sun Hwa.”
“What are you giving up this time?” he asked again. If that was going to be her choice, she had to be responsible for it.
The wind blew again. It was still warm, like the air that was coming out Bom’s mouth.
“You can’t replace friends.”
At those words, Juho smiled quietly.
Spring had ended. Though she was sad, she didn’t cry. After all, spring always came around. Everyone knew it.
He nodded as he checked the time.
“Now, should we go see Sun Hwa?”
She stood up from the swing, and it swung on its own.
“I want to write a letter.”
“So be it,” he answered.
She rushed to a stationery store and bought some letter paper and a pen.
When Juho saw the heading “To Sun Hwa,” he turned his eyes up to the sky.
‘This is a matter between her and Sun Hwa. It’d be tactless of me to intervene any further.’
The kids in the neighborhood glanced over at Bom as she wrote her letter while squatting on the playground. She paid them no attention.
Juho took his notepad out of his pocket. He had been expecting a day like that and had known that it wouldn’t be difficult for Sun Hwa and Bom to be actual friends. After all, he had met them in the Literature Club.
As he thought, he wrote down a sentence on the notepad.
“A piece of writing writes itself.”
*
After receiving a call from Juho, Sun Hwa walked into a neighborhood cafe. It was a familiar place, but she had never been inside. It had a warm atmosphere, and she sat by the window and ordered a drink.
After a brief moment waiting, a hot cup of tea had made its way onto her table. Having preferred colder drinks, she would have never ordered hot tea on her own. Though the weather wasn’t very cold, the tea warmed her hands as she held cup. Her cold hands proved that she was nervous.
“Sigh,” she sighed deeply. Soon, Juho would bring Bom to the cafe. The bell rang as the door opened, and she heard the conversation between the two people.
“It’s warm out. Spring’s finally over.”
“How time flies.”
They sounded like they were close with one another. Those two have brought along a word that Sun Hwa has been anxiously waiting for: “Bom.”
Bom had always been lowering herself. She had done it at the essay contest. Thanks to her, Sun Hwa had been able to receive the award. She hadn’t said anything. That was why she had been hanging around Bom. To her, it had been only fair that she had gotten the award while others lacked in their skills. Her and her peers had always been raised and taught that way. It had been common sense to prioritize results. As she always had, Sun Hwa comforted herself as she focused on the result.
In the end, she had come a lot farther than she was aware. In her stomach, the fried chicken she had had as an awardee had been growing in size. It had latched onto her, and had not come out.
After the conversation with Juho under the tree, she had revisited her paper. She had been pretending not to see what she saw and not to know what she knew. It was filled with stupidity. There was not one bit of sincerity.
In other words, when he had complimented her paper, Juho had been sugarcoating his words.
“Fun and wild, huh.”